AppId is over the quota
We’ve all faced judgments and judgmental people in the world, and it is something that people very rarely have a complete grasp of. When a man truly holds no prejudice, women will open up to him in a way that they could not imagine themselves opening up to any other guy. All of the sudden, women feel comfortable with you and communicate with you in a very warm and friendly way.
When you want to start a relationship right, you cannot judge women, of course; but, what happens when you are consciously aware of this, and despite that, the women are judging YOU?
Most people have judgments without even knowing it. Ask someone if they are judgmental, and you’ll get a “No, of course not!” Judgmental people are seen as bad, horrible humans who don’t have a soul and don’t deserve our time.
If a woman acts judgmental, you should righteously stop the seduction on the spot; or so you would think.
We all remember a time when we were judgmental of others, but would we say we were morally unjust humans because of it? No. Just because a woman is judgmental does not mean she isn’t worth your time.
Most people aren’t aware that they are doing it, and it is very simple to cut out of conversation. It’s just another barrier we need to overcome.
I used to be deathly afraid of any judgment, no matter where the judgment was coming from.
What if my room was a mess and someone saw it?! I must clean right away!
What if someone opens my computer and sees the browser history? I played a game on there, and they may think that games are for losers and then I’d be a loser! I better delete it.
The above was me, for the first decade and a half of my life. I’d lie awake in bed for hours on end, just thinking about how people in school would notice I’m extremely skinny and judge me for it. In an awoken fear, I’d pop out of bed and pump off 20 push-ups, quietly sneak out of my room to grab a bag of chips (I felt my family would judge me if they heard me awake at night), stuff those suckers down my throat, and hide the bag under my bed so that I could properly dispose of it, when no one was watching. I’d feel better for the moment.
I guess you could say I was an extremely severe case, but many people are afraid of being judged. A lot of men experience approach anxiety, and a lot of it comes from the fear of the women and others judging them.
What I want to teach you is how to overcome these judgments, once and for all.
Why do people judge?
People will often judge you without really even meaning to be judgmental. They can just not think about how their judgment really affects people, and may simply be speaking their mind (or the media’s mind). Their judgment may be an objection to you, which might be seen as women challenging you.
In any event, just accepting judgments is not the route to go. This line of thinking (of accepting instead of combatting or unraveling judgment) led me to a very lonely high school career. Simply allowing people to believe when they judge you that it’s okay isn’t okay in my book. You come off as weak and allow other people to dominate you and define for you who you are and how you stack up... instead of defining this yourself.
The way to overcome unrelenting judgments from others, or even the prospect of judgments, is to address them in a way that they can understand you better and you can understand them better, without the two of you getting completely frustrated at each other. Once you address these judgments, it’s time to move on to more positive topics of conversation.
The problem with addressing judgments in the right way is that each judgment is not issued with the same intent. One person may mean nothing by their judgment, while the other may be targeting you in an attempt to pass you on a social ladder.
Each of these situations requires its own specific attention on how to react to the judgment.
The first situation to discuss is when you find yourself situated in a group with negative comments running rampant through conversation. Group situations including judgment often snowball into huge rapport-building sessions where you may feel ostracized by the topic of conversation.
This type of judgment was probably the judgment that I was most afraid of when I was growing up. In high school I’d find myself in these situations and just go along with the flow. There is a very deep problem with addressing group judgments as you seem particularly vulnerable if you allow simple group conversations not targeted at anyone to affect you.
This is where discerning whether or not the judgment is targeted at you is a very important skill to have. You may not be an expert conversationalist yet and sometimes you will lose the reins on guiding a conversation with a group and allow it to become this way.
In any event, you find yourself dealing with the following snowballing effect. What does this snowballing effect look like?
[Riding in a car with two girls and one guy friend, some other driver cuts off your car]
Girl 1: God! I hate jerks who cut people off!
Guy 1: Yeah, I wish people in this area would learn to drive. Where I come from the drivers are so much better.
Girl 2: Jeez, drivers that come from this area really suck. [you come from this area…]
In this situation, the judgment is obviously not focused at you. Sure, your friends in the car are judging and making a generalization that all drivers from this area suck, based on the incident of some guy cutting your car off. People in this situation are just venting based on a situational occurrence. Most often when things happen based on situational occurrences, the best action to take is to simply ignore the conversation at hand and allow others to vent and get on with things.
Just make sure that the venting doesn’t get too out of control. Allowing this to snowball into other judgments and negative threads is something that you’re going to want to avoid. Simply cut the thread after Girl 2 has her say and move onto positive topics.
Most people in judgmental situations jump right into the group and join in on judgments. This builds up your group connection, but in a negative way. As much as you’re going to want to just join in on the judgment and agree with the group, you’re better served avoiding it because when people associate constant venting sessions based on generalizations, there will be a point at which they will say something that offends you without meaning to.
The point in a group conversation where you are going to want to address the judgment is when the judgment is focused specifically at you. This happens when people are trying to climb a social ladder, feel like they are inferior in status to you and you are rubbing it in, or because they simply are used to doing it with everyone.
This will happen far more often when you are talking with other men than it will with women (most women gun for status with other women, rather than with you).
What’s targeted judgment in a group situation look like, exactly?
Well, it looks something like this:
[Sitting with a group of three guys and two girls you like at a table]
Guy 1: [to you] Hey dude, still working out six days a week?
You: Yeah man. It’s tough but the results are well worth it, how are you doing in the gym?
Guy 1: Oh, I never go to the gym anymore. The funny thing is that I am still bigger than you even though you work out so much and are trying so hard!
Guy 2: Yeah man, you work out so often but are still the smallest guy here!
Obviously you realize these fellows are not the type of friends you are really want to spend a great deal of time on. But there you are, stuck in a situation where there are two girls you like present; simply accepting these other men’s judgments or ignoring them is not going to cut it. You come off weak and dominated by these others.
The first step to dealing with these judgments is to not fall into their chess game. Fall into the position of defending yourself or judging them, and you aren’t going to look much smarter than those guys, and are definitely not abiding by the Law of Least Effort.
The step you want to take is to take action. Actions speak a lot louder than words. One of my favorite techniques for dealing with these judgments is using body language and minimal speech. These people have obviously not earned your attention. Using powerful body language and minimal speech would look like the following:
You: [penetrating eye contact with Guy 2, followed by a puzzled expression] What?
Guy 2: Well... you are the smallest..
You: [look at Guy 1 with a puzzled look] So?
Guy 2: Never mind... so what’s up with that new girl you’re seeing?
Here, you apply social pressure to cause this social challenger to back down and put his verbal sword down. He retreats, recants his challenge, and tries to build rapport, instead, switching the topic and asking you about something that gives you a chance to show value and that you likely won’t swat him on.
You blow these judgments out of the water by not letting them affect you, and you address the issue so that you let the judgmental people here know this behavior was not okay.
On a more nuanced level, the reason that we’re making an example out of Guy 2 here is because he’s obviously piggybacking on what Guy 1 said, and has the weaker frame - meaning he’ll back down sooner and with less effort on your part. You could use the same approach of applying social pressure and getting into a dominance “stare down” with Guy 1, but it may take him a bit longer for him to back off than it took Guy 2. If Guy 1 continues those types of comments, you’ll simply address him in a similar fashion to what you did with Guy 2.
For more on status plays and challenges in group situations, check out "The 5 Ways to Answer a Challenge in Social Situations."
Things can be much different in a one-on-one conversation with someone. You cannot simply ignore judgmental people, even if their judgment is indirect or not aimed at you at all, as it seems to be in our first group example above. All judgments in a one-on-one conversation must be addressed, but they must be addressed in different ways. Keep that in mind before you react to anything you sense is judgment.
Indirect judgment in a personal conversation is much harder to detect. The actual conversation is between the two of you, and most people are trying to build rapport in a conversation. Very few people interact on a personal basis and pass judgments on people; everyone in a one-on-one conversation wants to make you join their side, as there is nobody else to advance their status in front of in any way.
Because there is no one else to advance their statuses with, judgments in one-on-one conversations are usually passed on outsiders. Again, as in group situations, this judgment is passed in reaction to something, so it is referred to as “venting.” Allow the judgmental person to make her vent; avoid passing judgment based on the fact that she’s venting; and, once she’s finished venting or calmed down somewhat, then address the issue of her judgment.
By way of an example, let’s say you’re out on a date, and your date, wanting to vent, suddenly brings up her roommate (say, after getting a text message that reminds her of the roommate):
Her: God, I hate my roommate! She’s always talking bad about me behind my back.
You: Okay. Let’s move on; still planning on becoming a nurse?
Her: Yeah.
You: Great, [proceed to deep dive]
There you have it. The steps were:
Allowing her to vent, but stopping the vent so that she doesn’t associate long venting sessions with you, which are negative and bad for creating an emotional connection.
Instead of communicating that her vent was a bad thing or instead of jumping on the negative thread, you told her in a neutral tone that it’s time to move off that thread of conversation.
You asked a question that can lead to better possibilities, by moving on to talk about her passions.
This applies to anything that is indirect and she did not mean for it to have any actual significance towards you. Similar to our example in dealing with group status jockeying above, this solution also applies social pressure, implying that the girl here committed a faux pas and moving her off that and onto constructive conversation.
The result here is that she’ll tend to feel a little embarrassed about going negative / whining / complaining and being called out on it, but also relieved that you quickly moved the conversation again.
And, she’s a lot less likely to stray into faux pas territory again.
But what happens when the judgment of judgmental people is aimed squarely at you? Should you follow the same steps?
In a situation where the judgment is passed on you, you’re going to want to address it firmly to stop anything further of the sort. In the above example, she was sharing how she felt with you.
This next example is one in which the judgment is obvious, and is much rarer, but can be seen in pickup situations, especially when a woman is feeling auto-rejection. In an attempt to bring you down a notch she is going to pass a judgment on you. You cannot simply let this slide past, and you also need to realize the importance that this judgment has.
An example one of the more common versions of this is women judging men to be after but one thing – sex. We spend a lot of time to ensure that we are genuine men, and then these women want to cast us into the same lot as all men everywhere on Earth that all we are after is sex?
Frame control is very important here. When faced with these objections, the best idea is to completely re-frame a woman’s judgment to ensure she knows it isn’t okay to pass these sweeping, dismissive judgments.
Her: Oh, you just want sex from me, like all the other men.
You: [pause and stare] Do I look like I’m like “all the other men?”
Her: Yes/no [doesn’t much matter what she says here]
You: You know what I want... Do you know what I want?
Her: ... no.
You: Well, what I want, is to enjoy my life, without being accused of being an identical clone of 3.5 billion other men and not tossed in the same trash heap with them. That’s annoying, it’s simplistic, and it’s faulty logic.
What you need to realize here is that you aren’t defending yourself. You aren’t attacking her. You’re completely changing the frames and conversation to convey that you aren’t going to deal with petty objections.
The steps here are:
Challenge the judgment that she is trying to pass. If she is trying to pass the judgment that you are too young/old for her, for instance, you need to challenge that with a simple question to challenge her and see if she really wants to head down the road that you are about to go on. Many times, simply challenging the judgment is enough for her to back off and realize you think her judgment is ridiculous. Asking the question is about showing you do not accept the judgment, and finding out whether she really wants to engage on this topic.
If she doesn’t back off her judgment, you need to then frame things in a way that she realizes that her judgment holds no place in your conversation. Remember that if she is being playful about it, coming out and being extremely blunt isn’t going to do you any favors. Figure out which tone the conversation is following, and address the judgment in that fashion.
After you handle this, move onto positive threads. You’re not there to argue with people or to burn bridges or make enemies, so make sure that you’re able to recover from this minor hiccup in conversation and get the ship righted and back on course again.
Judgmental people can be difficult to deal with when their judgments seem to dominate conversation, but once you learn to address the judgment and move the conversational thread onto better topics, you’ll notice that people start taking to you much more kindly and with a lot more respect.
The days of being weak and simply accepting judgment are over (if you ever found yourself in them), and you’ll find you feel much better about yourself as a result of not letting people pile up these judgments on you.
And... you may not even need to get up in the middle of the night to do push-ups anymore, or cram bags of potato chips down your gullet.
Freeing yourself from judgment is only part being actually irreprehensible. The other part is actively fighting judgment, and stamping it out where you encounter it.
Catch you on the flip side,
Ross
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